Miesha Kelly

Blog kindly written by Lucille Rosetti – The Bereaved. Sharing tools to help people through the grief process.
 

It’s hard to put the pain experienced from the death of a loved one into words. Such a deep loss affects us physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Dealing with death is a constantly evolving process that looks and feels different for everyone. There’s no timeline for healing, and there’s no way to quantify when you should begin to feel better. But for some people, making a move can be the perfect way to refresh their souls and add happiness back to their life. If you think this may apply to you, here are some things you need to keep in mind.

Process Your Grief Before Making Major Plans

While there’s no magic solution to take away your pain, certain grieving steps may at least ease it. Give yourself permission to be vulnerable; if that means showing your emotions visibly, do so without apology or excuses. Don’t close yourself off, which only makes you feel more alone. Reach out to and connect with friends and family — and allow them to be there for you. Take the time you need to heal. Do what you can to heal and then begin to think of how moving fits into that overall process. Just try to delay making major decisions right after your loved one’s passing, so those decisions aren’t based solely on emotion.

Moving Doesn’t Mean Forgetting the Past

Some people find themselves stuck in an endless loop of grief when they are surrounded by so many memories. Seeking a change of scenery provides a concrete reminder that life is worth living and the world is worth exploring. If after some time and thought, you decide that you need that fresh start and need to get away from those memories, know that you are not betraying your loved one or being selfish. Moving doesn’t have to mean forgetting your loved one; it just means you are brave.

Some Steps Will Be Easier for You

Making the decision to move after losing a loved one can be hard. But once you’ve made that choice, it’s time to start checking other “to-do’s” off your list. First, track the real estate market so you’re better able to find the most optimal time, if applicable, to sell your home and not lose any equity. Then, find a realtor you trust so you can start your home search. Ask friends and family for recommendations and then use these questions as you meet with potential realtors to find the perfect fit for you. Research neighbourhoods, cities, and communities in which you’d like to live. Before purchasing a home, make sure you have it thoroughly inspected.

If you are renting, you’ll also want to do your research into neighbourhoods, school zones, and amenities. Also ask about how much rent is expected to rise after your initial term. Some properties may leave that open, while others address rate hikes in your contract.

Other Steps Will Be Much Harder

When you’re moving after the death of a loved one, the easiest part is finding the right place to call home. Once that’s over, it’s time to pack and prepare, which also means sorting through your loved one’s possessions. This process can be filled with emotions, so ask someone to help you, and know that it’s okay to not know what to keep, what to donate, and what to toss. And as HomeAdvisor reminds, when you’re packing, it’s also okay to take breaks for self-care, as opposed to doing it all in one long marathon session.

You may want to keep a few of your loved one’s things to use or display in your new place, but do so in a way that does not add clutter or stress to your life. That crazy mug they just had to have? Use it to store your pens. You can even get creative and turn clothing into quilts, stuffed animals, holiday ornaments, pillows, or “new” clothing items like gloves or scarves.

Grief is such a complicated journey, but if moving to a new location will make things easier, you should definitely consider it. While that pain may never be gone, a new beginning can at least make that pain a little easier to bear. Just remember to take it one day at a time.

 
Photo Credit: Unsplash

We can give ourselves such a hard time. I’ll ask you to ponder on that previous sentence for a little while as it’s not something we think about very often, if at all. We become accustomed to that voice in our head that tells us in no uncertain terms that we aren’t good enough.  Trouble is, if we don’t identify and separate from this inner-critic, it can take over our life and can shape our behaviour and impact on the direction of our life.  It is a thief.  Serious stuff huh?

Our inner critic can throw its two-bob worth in at any point throughout the day or night. It can be a bully and very hostile. Mouthy and loud, mean and nasty. Nag, nag, nag on it goes, pulling us up short for anything and everything. Some examples of this nagging may be…. You’re a crap parent! You’re not a good friend!  Why can’t you make good decisions?  You’re not very good at what you do!  You didn’t get that promotion because……! You are ugly, fat, stupid, incompetent! Why would anybody be interested in you and what you have to say?  You’re useless at making decisions!  I could keep going…. the list is quite endless.  The inner critic seems to have lots to say, none of it very positive or nurturing.

So, where did this inner critic come from?

Most people aren’t even aware they have an inner critic as the harsh judgements it makes have often been there with them since childhood, *“it develops early in lives, absorbing (or internalizing) the judgments of people and the expectations of the society in which they live”. We believe it, well, just because…. it’s been there forever, and therefore must be the truth.

What can we do to shush the inner critic?

1. Awareness

Firstly, become aware of your thoughts, by saying STOP whether out loud, in a whisper, or in your own head. What is it your inner critic is saying to you? Is it being unkind? (Keep in mind that this inner-critic is not a reflection of reality, it is only a viewpoint. A viewpoint often instilled along life’s path, usually from early life experiences). Would you say anything of the sorts to a friend? If the answer to that question is no, then chances are your inner critic is being unkind to you.

Another way to identify that inner critic is to watch out for “you” or “I” statements i.e. you are never going to get that job!  I’m never good at drawing! etc. etc.

2. Respond with kindness

Next, THINK about this part of yourself that can be a tyrant. What does it need? Chances are it needs acknowledgement, compassion and kindness, from you. Put down your boxing gloves. Ask yourself some questions.  Are you even in control of the things that your inner critic is banging on about?  Are you allowed to make mistakes at all? Are you setting unreasonably high standards of yourself or the situation?

Then, write down some more compassionate evaluations of yourself instead.

Don’t be bullied by this inner critic, it isn’t your truth and it usually has nothing good to say anyway.  Quieten that voice within, and the sky is literally the limit whether at home, work, in relationships, you name it!  Take back your control.

This article has only just touched on this subject.  Like anything worthwhile in life, responding to your inner critic can take practice and time but it can change your life.  If you need support or assistance to work with your inner critic, get in touch via 0401 809 666, www.bymyside.net.au or Facebook www.facebook.com/Bymysideau

*Hal Stone, Ph.D. & Sidra Stone, Ph.D. Journal, Psychotherapy in Australia, 1994.